hey guys, this is a fic that i started on the C4 forums, let me know what you think!


Dear Diary,
That's how you normally start isn't it. I don't know, never had one of these things before. To be honest, I thought that it was really sad but my psy... someone suggested it. Dunno why, but it's not worth an argument.

So, to sum up my life, I'm fifteen, I live with my parents in our scratty council flat that they say is like the one that they had when I was a baby, only a bit bigger. I've got two brothers, Lucas and Jack, and a little sister, Lily. Tacky right, three out of the four of us having names that start with the same letter. But that's my parents, cheap and tacky. They like to think cheap and cheerful but who are they kidding! Mum had me when she was 15, and Dad was only 17. I don't think that I messed up her life too badly, she was back at school and everything, but then she had Lucas. Lets face it neither of use was planned. But I never felt bad about it, loads of the kids at school get depressed and stuff 'cause their parents didn't want them but the way I see it it's their fault not mine. After Mum had Lucas she went to a 6th form college to do her A-levels, don't see why really. She did those and had Jack 6 years after she had Lucas. And then she had Lily 4 years after that.

So yeah, our flat has 3 bedrooms, a bathroom and a living room attached to the kitchen. If you ask me one bedroom really isn't enough, but no-one ever does. Lucas has to be the most immature 13 year old on the planet, Daniel's only a kid and Mum and Dad are always too busy looking after Lily who demands attention all the time. I get ignored a lot, but that's OK with me. I mean, I can pretty much do whatever I want and they don't care. Well, they don't notice but it's the same thing really.

But there is something that I've been noticing recently, they seem to treat me differently from the others. Like there's some huge secret that they can't or don't want to tell me, they tiptoe around me loads, really annoying. I mean, just say it for christ's sake! I didn't notice it when I was a kid, but now it's really obvious. I don't know why, I mean, I don't mess around too much, I normally get good grades and I help out with Lily when they want to go out. But it sometimes feels like I'm out on the sidelines, like I'm somehow different from the others. They're all dead tight, but sometimes I feel like I don't really belong with them. But I don't worry about that now. Not after what happened.

So, here goes. Something really bad happened to me a couple of months ago, but I don't really want to talk about it. That's why I have to write this stupid diary. Apparently it will help me to "come to terms with my feelings". I really don't see the point. But, I have to prove that I'm really doing this, and that I'm "serious" about getting over this. I mean, there's nothing to get over, it happened, I'm over it. I mean, it was pretty hard at the time, but I won't let it ruin my life. But apparently I have to see a councellor to check that I don't get post-trauma-breakdown thing. I don't get why they don't see that I'm fine. So I guess that I should tell you what happened. But, to tell you the truth, I don't want to right now. Maybe later.

I haven't written about Charlie yet, have I? He's like, the most important person in my life, family included. He's my best friend. We've known each other forever and he knows everything about me. I don't have any secrets from Charlie. His life is completely messed up, but none of it was his fault. So his Mum was married to Jake, but was haivng an affair with her pupil, Justin, who is Charlie's real dad. But Becca (his mum) didn't tell anyone this and Jake thought that he was Charlie's dad, he went psycho and tried to kill himself and Charlie. He's out of the loony-bin now and he sees Charlie sometimes. So yeah, Charlie was being looked after by Nancy, his aunt, but then Frankie who is Jake's mum got custody of him. He now lives with Nancy and Russ, her new, well I say new, they've been married 8 years and Nancy's pregnant. Charlie's really excited.

I love the honesty between Charlie and Nancy. I don't know anything about Mum's life before she had me, just what I can remember from when I was younger. I don't know about old boyfriends or anything, well, apart from Josh. They're still good friends though and I don't think that it was ever that serious. I don't have a clue about what happened when Mum got pregnant with me, or how she met Ste, or anything like that. I don't know if I'd want to, really. I guess that they used to be happy, they've got 4 kids together, but they argue a lot now. Like, a lot, a lot. There's always something. They're arguing now. Suppose I should go and look after Lily, she gets upset when they argue. Can't blame here. But after 15 years, and a load of bad experiences, I've learnt to block it out. They'll sort it out, they always do. And Dad would never hurt Mum. I think. OK, I'll write again soon, don't want to give them something else to argue about!

Leah



comments?

Great fic, eager to know more

Great!

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Great diary entry

Love it! Such a good idea!

Especially as I'm a huge fan of Amy!

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Some good writing there, keep it up

thanks guys! here's the next part

20th January 2009
Dear Diary,

Great evening last night. Charlie came over, god I love him but not in that way obviously he's like my best friend, but still... love him! He's like the nicest person in the world and he's not bitchy like loads of my other friends. I mean, most of my other friends are girls but still. So, yeah, Charlie came down and we just ordered a pizza, pepperoni of course, and we watched the best film of all time, Atonement. Well, I think it's the best film of all time. Charlie doesn't, but he was happy to watch it 'cause he could laugh at me when I cried. In my defense, it's really sad! The best thing about Charlie is that he doesn't watch me, isn't constantly staring to check that I'm OK. Everyone else does. Even my best friends. That's why I don't mind spending time with Lily, she doesn't understand or know what happened so I can just forget about it and escape from the searching stares that I get from everyone else.

Where was I? Oh yeah, so Charlie wanted to watch some weird horror film, I think that it was called 'Saw' but I can't cope with a film like that. Not yet.

You know what I was writing about yesterday with Mum and Dad, well the same thing happened again today. I'd just woken up and I was just walking through into the kitchen when I heard Mum and Dad whispering about something. I stopped outside the door and listened, it wasn't normal for them to whisper about stuff, normally they just scream at each other. But yeah, anyway I was listening to them and Mum said, "Ste, we have to tell her sometime." Dad sounded angry even though he was whispering, he never loses his temper even when we push him. Loads of other people's parents lose it all the time but Dad never ever has.

Anyways, Dad replied, "You're not telling her, Amy. She doesn't need to know." I was still standing there, frozen. I was wondering what they were talking about, I guessed that it was the same thing that they were talking about yesterday. Then Mum said, "You promised, Ste. You promised that we'd tell her. And I'm doing it if you won't."

Then I heard something smack a wall, that sharp smacking noise is unmistakable, and Mum breathed in sharply. And Dad said, in the fiercest voice I've ever heard him use, "You are not telling her, Amy, I won't let you." It was weird 'cause Mum didn't reply but then the door opened and Dad started. He looked so angry, and if I didn't know that he would never hurt any of us then I would have been scared of him.

"Leah, what are you doing?" He said, obviously making an effort to keep his voice calm.
"Nothing... just wanted some breakfast." I stammered.
"Morning, baby," Mum called, "coming through?"

I scooted round Dad and went into the kitchen, Mum was standing at the sink and was washing up the breakfast things. I guessed that Lily must have been awake 'cause Mum was washing up her little cup.

"Just getting some cereal, Mum. What were you and Dad talking about?"
"Nothing, sweetie." Mum said, her eyes were searching mine, looking for any signs of... I don't know really but she was clearly watching me for something.

So I let it drop. Mum looked kindof upset but she's OK. I had breakfast then chatted to her and I just chilled out and watched TV all day. I love lazy days like that. I'll write again soon.

Leah

1st February 2009
Dear Diary,

Pinch punch first of the month. Charlie went round school saying it to everyone, drove them all mad. Didn't bother me though, it's Charlie, how can anyone get cross with him? OMG have to write about this, I was talking to Bex and Ali yesterday at lunch and they said the weirdest thing. Bex has been my best friend in like, forever, (except Charlie of course), and Ali joined our group a couple of years ago. Ali (real name Alice) is Kris and Jess's daughter, she left Hollyoaks years ago when I was a baby but she came back with Kris a few years later. Bex's family moved here when she was about 2, so we've been together like, forever! She's got a younger brother and sister, Tyler is 13 same as Lucas but they don't get on. Got to admit, Tyler's quite fit even though he's younger but he's more into girls than having guy friends. And Lucas... well Lucas is popular in a way I guess, he doesn't get so much of the 'Your mum's a slag' as I did, don't know why though. I mean, OK Mum was 15 when she had me which is weird to think about but she was only 17 when she had Lucas, but apparently that's like a massive gap. See I went on a tangent again, anyways, her little sister's called Beth and she's dead cute, she's 5 and she's got the cutest eyes. I'm gonna set her and Jack up when they're older. Not sure that Bex would go for that one though and her parents definitely wouldn't. They're nice and everything but they're quite well off and posh in a way and I think that they look down their noses a bit at us, 'cause we live in a council flat and all that. But they're always nice to me so I don't really mind.

Ali's not got any brothers or sisters, so she's a bit spoilt but not in a bad way. Her Mum Jess is totally yummy-mummy, don't think that she could cope with pushing another one out lol! And Kris... well Kris is different. He dresses like a woman in a way, make-up and skirts, but he's cool. He DJs for the Loft and he's got a radio station. Sarah said that he's had the radio station since he was in Uni, so that's like 13 years. I guess that you can't really get bored, it's a really cool job. I'm gonna try and get work experience with him after GCSEs which are REALLY SOON though it feels like about an hour ago that we first went to Hollyoaks High (or Center of Boredom and Torture as me and Charlie like to call it lol!)

Anyhows, oh yeah, so me Bex and Ali were talking and they said that it's so obvious that I fancy Charlie!! Could not believe it, I so do not! And I told them this but of course they didn't believe me and said that I was embarrassed. I mean, even if I did, AND I DON'T, what's there to be embarrassed about? Charlie's fit, even I can admit that, and he's the nicest person in the world. I tried to tell them that yeah, I do love him, but not in that way, that he's just my best friend, but they wouldn't listen to me. Oh well, not the end of the world.

I've been thinking about what Mum and Dad were saying the other day. Normally I wouldn't have stopped asking until she told me, but I can't be bothered with stuff like that. So I just left her. It's weird though, Mum's been looking weird for the last couple of days and she tenses up whenever Dad's around. She looks nervous for some crazy reason. I just hope that she's not pregnant, I mean, I know that she's my mum but I swear that Dad only has to look at her and she gets pregnant. And knowing my luck it would be another girl. I was loving having my own room then Lily came along and soon she'll be moving in with me so that sucks. I've got some ideas for names though if she is pregnant, Liam if it's a boy and Lucy if it's a girl. Not that I like the name Lucy (cough stupid psychiatrist counsellor person cough) but the tacky family tradition has to be continued doesn't it!! Don't know how Jack escaped that one, asked Mum but she just said something about how Lucas could have been called Jack and how she'd always liked the name. Dad looked a bit angry when she said that, don't know why though. Oh well, they're weird.

I've gone off the point again, basically, I've decided to ask Mum what she was talking about. Can't ask Dad 'cause he looked really cross when he saw me outside the door. Normally I wouldn't ask but I think that they were talking about me. They probably weren't though but I'm paranoid since______. God, I can't even write it, how pathetic is that?!

Right, it's 10pm and I'm off to bed, haven't been sleeping well for ages. Don't know why though, I used to sleep really well all the time. Mum used to say that if we ever went abroad jet lag wouldn't bother me!!! Right, I'll try to write again soon if I'm not too busy with my crazy social life lol!!!

Leah

I really like this! It's awesome! Wonder if in 13years time Leah will be on hollyoaks. I think it be cool if so, more soon?